I Got A Little Chubby

 I  don’t want to repeat the year 36– except for the birth of my youngest son! I’ll take him every day all day! He was the ultimate blessing of a very dark year. I struggled a LOT last year. You know when you are walking through your house at night in the dark to check on that “scary noise” — when everything in you is ready to become hysterical but your mind is like “no, no, you’re okay, everything is fine...” That sums up my year.  So when my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I asked for a really clean house. “Sure, hon, the kids and I —“ No. Not the kids and you.  I need a woman in this house. So this amazing lady was at my house all day cleaning and when she was done, I felt like I got a fresh start. Clean home, clean slate.  Asking for help (or saving up and paying for help) is self-care too.  ❤️

 I recently found this picture from when I worked really hard to get in shape —-three kids ago, in 2014. My daughter said, “Mom, you’re tricking us. That is NOT you.” My son said, “Mom, you never had muscles!!” 😑 I did... but not for long! 😂 It took me 8 months of daily dedication to Whole Foods eating and strength training.  I worked out this week for only one day.  I was so sore that I could barely move for four straight days!!! We are about to workout again today and I’m shooting for three days this week minimum. I am older now and have had more kids, but I’ve seen people get in shape with even more odds against them so... I’m letting their stories inspire me!  I did take a photo this morning but there’s literally no difference between this time and last time, so instead, I’ll leave this photo from when I *was* in shape as inspiration to take care of myself this week! 

  I have always, always struggled with self-image, and in particular, my weight. I finally realized in college, thanks to a friend, that this didn’t have to be something that just happened to me, but I could make some changes and feel better about myself too.  She and I began running every day around 5am for an hour (oh to have the energy of a college kid again)—And by “she and I began running”, I mean she smoked me and left me in the literal dust crying that I couldn’t do it. She told me, “Just keep going. Just walk if you have to. Just keep moving.”  Then she said, “Do you want to be fat forever?!” Um. Maybe.  Because this is hard.  And I don’t know if I can do it. But she held me accountable and I kept moving.  I will always have to keep moving and make better choices. It’s just the cards I was dealt that I gain weight very easily.  I’ve learned to try to be proactive when the clothes get tight because I remember how hard it was back then. And...it’...

 I didn’t want to blog today. I did terribly bad this week in eating healthy.  I tried to figure out why. Whyyyy did this week cause me to get so off track?! Now my joints hurt again and my inflammation is back.  Last week was MUCH more stressful emotionally. This week shouldn’t have been so rough.  Then I realized, because I am tracking my food and activity in a journal, the biggest trigger for me to give up on my good goals... Messy house. The house was a disaster. The kids destroyed their rooms which spilled into the living room and it was past the point where they can effectively handle it themselves. We had let the dishes pile up because we had some really busy days and the mess was overwhelming.  When the house is a mess, I feel a huge loss of peace and control and I am overwhelmed by work that has to be done. I don’t need a clean house to impress people. I need a clean house because when I look at my messy house, all I see is work.  Messy house trigg...

 I showed my husband my “before and after” photos (below) and asked if he could see a difference.  He said, “The difference is huge!” “Huge?!”  “Oops. Bad word choice. I mean.... you’re making positive strides.”  Haha BUT I am happy to see a small difference because, not weighing myself, I have no idea where I’m at other than my clothes have been fitting better and I feel better. This was a very emotionally stressful week that caused me to want to say, “I am stressed, let me eat ice cream!” But instead, I changed that thought to, “I am stressed, I need a break.”  I also started spiritual direction this week which really helped me mentally/spiritually as well. One phrase that my spiritual director said was, “Don’t pray how you can’t pray. You don’t have to pray like other people. Pray like you’re called to pray.”  I think I need to apply that to other areas of my life, too. You don’t need to diet like other people. Your house doesn’t have to look like other ...

 Next  week I will share updated progress pictures. Since our scale is defunct (thank you, children) I am hoping to compare photos and see some progress. I do feel a lot better, less tired and less tense despite the loads of stress this week and an infant who has kept us up.  This will be a short blog because it is late, but I wanted to share that upon looking up the nutrition info for Pea Crisps—a fun snack for munching—I learned a thing. Food density.  The article I was reading said that pea crisps have some good protein content but the problem with processed food is that it is dehydrated. Pea crisps are very light and will not fill you up. Consequently, you might accidentally eat the whole bag.  When I am very stressed, I am prone to mindless eating.  Today in the midst of trying to clean house and watch the kids while my husband was working on a project, I started to reach for those pea crisps and remembered that concept of food density... Instead, I at...

 I  made my husband retake this photo a bunch of times and that process went something like... “No, don’t squat to take the photo or you’ll show my double chin.” “Ugh. Redo. I look like a tired Mom.” “You are a tired Mom.” “I know but I don’t want to look like one.” Finally, he  said, “Just so you know, you look good in real life.” 😐 So I went ahead and chose a tired Mom version with the shirt that I LOVE but just so happens to be puffing out due to the clasping (wringing) of my hands to make me look pregnant -which I am not.  But this does underscore the point of this blog today which sometimes unfortunately motivates our health journeys...  “I am not...  thin enough Pretty enough Fit enough Strong enough Liked enough Noticed enough Good enough” Even when I was in my best shape (qualifier: *my* best shape), I lamented not having a flat, toned tummy  and the number on the scale was never low enough.  I was not enough in my head even when I knew m...